Bad sex with Neal Pollack.

As he is part of the McSweeney's crew, I am so over Neal Pollack. But I had to laugh at this entry (from Nerve.com's Bad Sex with Neal Pollack by Neal Pollack):

Like a master locksmith, I quickly unzipped her pants and inserted two fingers. They began to wiggle around, seeking land.
   "Oooh," she said. "Ooooh, boy."
   "You like it?" I said.
   "Phew," she said. "Oh gosh."
   I looked up at her face, which showed no ecstasy.
   "What?" I said.
   "Did you wash your hands after dinner?" she said.
   "No."
   "I think some of that pepper juice is still on your hand. It might be burning up my vagina."
   "Oh," I said. "Do you want me to keep going?"
   "That's sweet of you to ask," she said. "But I don't think so. Hoo! Gosh!"
   Thank God she was Canadian. They're so polite.