2 + 2 = 5.

1) iTunes new-music Tuesday (10/12/04).
Not to be a shameless hack for the Apple Corporation, but sometimes I really love the iTunes music store. Today's reason? They released Elliott Smith's from a basement on a hill a week before street date, put out an exclusive e.p. of material from Aimee Mann's upcoming live album, and posted a wicked, officially-sanctioned mash-up of Beck's "Debra" and Pharell's "Frontin'." Sometimes even evil corporations can be cool.

2) "I'm Ronery" as sung by Kim Jong Il in Team America: World Police.

You haven't really lived until you've seen a puppet-version of the North Korean dictator perform a heart-breaking lament about being misunderstood. Oh and you know all those white-liberal-guilt conversations that were raging after Lost in Translation? Yeah, get ready for another level of pissed-off-confused-discourse when this one finally drops.

3) The Interweb page for my Halloween costume.
Best. Costumer. Ever.

4) Indiana Jones and the Monkey King by Chris Columbus.
I posted a link to said script yesterday. At the time I hadn't read it. To be honest, I still haven't read it. But I have skimmed it and read two or three sequences. I can say that if this actually is the work of Chris Columbus (I have my doubts), he should be shot for attempting to destroy the Indiana Jones franchise. This script is awful--tone-deaf, offensive, completely off the mark (to say nothing of the hilarious Freudian typos... read on, you'll see).
Want proof? I present to you an excerpt from Indy's climactic confrontation with Sun Wu Kung, the titular African Monkey King:


Suddenly, there is a RUMBLING SOUND. Followed by a slight, TREMOR. The
trees begin to SWAY, as a HOWLING WIND rushes through them. The tomb
of Sun Wu Kung GLOWS with a BRIGHT LIGHT. The glass surrounding the
tomb suddenly SHATTERS. The skeleton's head TURNS. Its body RATTLES.
Beginning to MOVE. The skeleton STEPS OUT OF THE TOMB.

Everyone STARES in awe. TERRIFIED.

The skeleton takes a FEW STEPS forward, STOPS, and RAISES its arms.
HIGH in the air. The skeleton OPENS its mouth. Emitting a HIGH PITCHED
...UNEARTHLY...SCREECH! An ectoplasmic GREEN SMOKE seeps from the
skeleton's fingers, slowly TRAVELING over the heads of the humans. The
ectoplasm separates into several INDIVIDUAL LINES, that touch down
upon EACH OF THE GORILLAS. The ectoplasm ENCIRCLES each the Gorilla's
bodies. The Gorillas begin to RISE from the ground. HIGH in the air.
The ectoplasm appears to be CARRYING them toward Sun Wu Kung. As the
Gorillas TRAVEL through the air, their bodies begin to SHRINK. Growing
SMALLER. THINNER.

The humans stare into the SKY. Watching the AMAZING, MAGICAL
TRANSFORMATION.

As the Gorillas get CLOSER to Sun Wu Kung, their bodies have shrunken
to TINY, HAIR-LIKE substances. When the Gorillas ARRIVE at the
skeleton, they ATTACH themselves to his body. We see that the shrunken
Gorillas are actually individual HAIRS on the skeleton's body. As the
countless hairs CONVERGE, the skeleton begins to take SHAPE...FORM...

SUN WU KUNG COMES TO LIFE! He is UNLIKE anyone or anything we have
ever seen. HALF-HUMAN. HALF-HONKEY [sic]. His face is covered with WRINKLES.
His wide eyes are COAL BLACK. PROBING. WARM. When he smiles, it is
DEVILISH, but incredibly CHARMING. His movements are PERKY. QUICK. An
extremely ADORABLE little fellow. Instantly LOVABLE. But there is a
STRONG, POWERFUL presense about him. He is indeed, a HEAVENLY FIGURE.


Seriously people. Could that have possibly sprung from the mind of the man responsible for Bicentennial Man AND the forthcoming film adaptation of Rent: The Musical? Half-honkey (er, I bet that's half-monkey, but is that really any better)? Devilish but adorable? An instantly lovable heavenly figure? It sounds like Jacko helped write this shit.

5) The soundtrack to I ♥ Huckabees by Jon Brion.
The CD drops today. Buy it, for it is right. And that's it, kids. No more, I promise you. I won't talk about Jon f-ing Brion and his f-ing Huckabees score anymore. Well, I'll try not to.