My 700 love.

Do you people have any idea how much I love The 700 Club? Seriously, it is about the greatest current events show on the air and Pat and Gordon Robertson's insight on geopolitical events should be cherished. (I know I'm being unbearably smug, but in all seriousness, I find the show hypnotic.)

Anyway, as such a diehard fan, how is it possible that I had never been to their Internets site? There's much to love about the site (extensive Q&As with Pat on a myriad of topics, the last 15 shows available online, etc.), the best section is their "features" section, where they take The 700 Club's hard-hitting feature-pieces and transcribe them, thus forever preserving them.

I am particularly fond of the feature "I Married a Muslim: Katrina's Incredible Story." It's the story of a successful Christian model/actress named Katrina and the suave and dashing man who "literally swept [her] off [her] feet." But there's a dark side:

SCOTT ROSS (reporting): An important detail in this story: the man was also a Muslim.
At any time during your dating process did the spiritual roots of your life–i.e. Jesus Christ–come into the equation anywhere?

KATRINA: Absolutely, but he kept telling me it was the same God, just a different language, that Allah was the same God as the God I served. [Ed. Note: Hey, what's wrong with that? President Bush says the exact same thing.] I was in love with the guy. I say that love is not blind, it’s deaf and dumb also.

SCOTT ROSS: You got married?

KATRINA: Yes, in a mosque.

SCOTT ROSS: Did your family attend?

KATRINA: No, I didn’t tell my family. He’d say, 'Are you an adult or a child? Are you going to do what your Mom says the rest of your life, or are you going to go with the man of dreams?'

I thought the Middle East was somewhere in the middle of the country. I thought that Muslims were Ali Baba and the 40 thieves and the magic carpet ride. I was clueless!

The whole wedding was done in Arabic.

SCOTT ROSS: So you didn’t understand what you were doing?

KATRINA: I didn’t understand anything. It was intriguing, the mystique of the whole thing.

Forgive me for being slightly insensitive, but is Katrina retarded? Or just without an ounce of common sense? I would think if you were a devout Christian that whole Muslim thing would be a deal breaker... not to mention the whole "only children let their families know they're getting married" routine, that seems like it should've been a red flag.

The other super best feature is "I Sold My Soul to the Devil">," wherein sickly, hospital-bound Todd Beezly figures out a way to heal himself:

"A 13-year-old child in the bed next to me said, 'Everything will be OK with your leg if you just join my club.' I said, 'What club is that?' He said, 'The devil's club, but you've got to understand, once you've joined, there's no way out. And you can never tell anyone.' "

Todd's Christian upbringing had not prepared him for this-but he desperately wanted to save his leg.

"I agreed to join. That night it felt like I had sold my soul, I had lost it forever. The internal pain, the agony of that moment, was just horrendous," Todd reveals.

Amazingly, his leg began to heal.

"The bone six weeks later had grown in straighter and stronger in my left leg than in my lower right leg, which had never broken," he explains.

As years passed and his guilt grew, Todd desperately searched for a way out of his vow.

But wait, is he implying that the powers of the Devil worked? I don't get it. Anyway, Todd rejected the Devil and brought the Lord back into his life and he's happy now.

So that's my 700 Club report. I hope my enthusiasm has won you over and you let the Robertsons into your life.