[Insert V. Gallo/masturbatory joke here.]

If you've got a couple of extra ducats, Vincent Gallo's essence can be yours. That's right, kids, he's selling his sperm on his website. But before you go racing to the bank, please be aware that (1) the going price is $1 million and (2) there's a bunch of legal loop holes and/or special discounts. Among them (and please keep in mind, I am not making this up):

• Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration.
  
  
• [F]or the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes.Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.
  
  
• Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.
  
  
• To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Mr. Gallo--like his filmography--is as charming as ever.
(Thanks for the link, PL.)