Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Far from Heaven.

Kingdom of Heaven is not so hott, had a lackluster box office debut, etc. Got it. What sucks is this most likely kills any chance for a Crusades film that is, you know, actually good... like my idea for an epic take on The Children's Crusade.

In case you're unawares, there was a Children's Crusade (well, it's actually been historically debated and pretty much debunked, but it's a part of... um, of the people's history) led by a twelve year old French boy in the year 1212. The legend goes that he rallied thousands of fellow urchins to trek to Jerusalem, telling them that Jesus told him to get a bunch of kids to walk with him to the Mediterranean, whereupon the seas would part and they'd stroll over to the Holy Land. Then they'd saunter into Jerusalem and the warring factions would be so moved by the beauty and innocence that they'd throw down their weapons (and give the city back to the Christians, I guess). Anyway, the kids make it to the south of Italy and--surprise surprise--the seas didn't part. The little ones are then duped into getting onto seven boats "headed for the Holy Land." Yeah, except they weren't. The boats were slave boats and all the kids were sold into slavery/prostitution. Except for the ones who were on the two boats that were lost at sea.
The End.

Now tell me that that wouldn't make the best epic ever? My pitch: Gore Verbinski* directing little Freddie Highmore (Finding Neverland) as the French visionary and darling Dakota Fanning (as if I need to list Ms. Fanning's numerous accomplishments) as his plucky sidekick. (Note: I think it'd be best if the sidekick's a boy, so Ms. Fanning would be dressed en drag).

See? How could you go wrong? Tell me you wouldn't pay $10 to watch little Freddie and darling Dakota lead a mob of charming little jamhands** across picturesque Europe. And remember how you got all super-emotional when Freddie wept at the end of Finding Neverland? Well that was just 'cause one person died***. Get your hankies out, folks, 'cause Freddie got a lot more to cry about at the end of this one.

And that's the pitch. Feel free to leave suggestions/offers/ways to flesh out the plot/additional characters/actors in the comment section. Oh and I am unwilling to change the ending. I will not stand for a Hollywood ending.

* I'm open to other directors if, say, Brett Ratner showed interest.

** (c) 2004/2005 by Nayiri, all rights reserved.

*** Keeping it spoiler free.


At 3:02 PM, Blogger Dashiell said...

Someone might have beat you to it:


At 3:18 PM, Blogger Tim said...

The credited screenwriter on that movie is named Chris Craps. That's tough to beat.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger Ben said...

Dammit, Craps! Here's the summary of the Craps script:

Rudolph Wega is a fourteen year-old who volunteers for an experiment with a time machine. The experiment goes well, but through an accident Rudolph is stranded in the 13th century. He joins the children's crusade, and through his modern-day knowledge, he manages to save a lot of children from horrible fates. However, his knowledge also leads to accusations of witchcraft.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crusade_in_Jeans"

The time travel angle, while interesting, is a distraction. I demand a pure Children's Crusade epic!

At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Nayiri said...

Grr, jamhands. They're everywhere. Run for Planned Parenthood!

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Ratner?!?! Better luck with Shatner.

At 5:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What do you mean with "Craps script"?
It's a screen version of the dutch book "kruistocht in spijkerbroek" written by thea beckman in 1973.



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