Friday, January 14, 2005

WCS Hell Portal.

Welcome to a new feature that I'm calling The Whine Colored Sea Hell Portal.The concept is this: because I am God of this humble little blog, I can send whatever I see fit straight to Hell. Simple enough. First up, two commercials and a performance.

1) The ad for the Carl's Jr. Breakfast Burger.
I despise all the advertising for Carl's Jr.* The ads always follow this format: you're in a "real" restaurant. There are annoying people and servers and overpriced food. The smug voice over dude asks why are you putting up with this, why not just go to Carl's Jr.? Cut to all white. An enormous Carl's Jr. sandwich falls from above and lands with a splat. Literally. The ad agency seems to think that it'll be really appetizing to watch a gargantuan sandwich leak ketchup and mustard and beef bits everywhere. Plus those foley editors work overtime recreating the sound of ketchup and death oozing out of it.
What makes this particualr ad so offensive is the sandwich itself. Please stop for a moment and try to imagine a sandwich made from "fried egg, crisp bacon, hash brown nuggets**, cheese, ketchup and a charbroiled all-beef patty on a sesame-seed bun"*** landing with a squishy thud. (The Carl's Jr. webstie has a simulation of the Breakfast Burger's fall. Please note, it's not the exact one from the commercial, but you'll get the picture.) Now imagine being subjected to this, oh, four or five times when you're innocently trying to watch Lost/Alias. This is why it is being banished.

2) The Volkswagon ad entitled "Cornering."
Why would anyone put this ad on TV? Why? In it, some dude (who looks a lot like Nick Swardson after eating thirty-or-so Carl's Jr. Breakfast Burgers) takes a VW out for a test drive. He likes the way it handles corners (or something) so he starts having a laughing fit. A really ugly, ugly laughing fit. Oh and he's so filled with joy he screams at another driver.
Yeah, no.
No no no no.
Fat-Nick-Swardson-with-the-ugly-laughing-fit: you're goin' to Hell.

3) John Lithgow in Kinsey.
Wait, was Mike Clark making a case for Lithgow to get an Oscar nomination? I know Kinsey has somehow tricked people into thinking it's something special, but even lovers of the film have got to admit that Lithgow is wretched. His two or three scenes are so laughably over-the-top (and identical to his work in Footloose), it's amazing that anyone could take him seriously. At all. Except for maybe Lucifer, Prince of Darkness.

* = For whatever reason, when you go west of the Mississippi Hardee's becomes Carl's Jr.
**=Hash brown nuggets? Surely this is a fancy way of saying tater tot.
***=Wording taken from, where one also learns that said sandwich contains 830 calories (410 from fat) and gives you 92% of your daily cholesterol intake.


At 4:07 PM, Blogger Tim said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. I hate anything that makes me hate tater tots.

At 2:41 AM, Blogger Joshua said...

Your footnotes contain factual errors. If you are to use footnotes in the future, I suggest you use the Doris Kearns Goodwin "stealing-it-from-someone-else" method. Hardee's exists at least as far west as Helena, Montana. My understanding is that Carl's Jr. is strictly west coast (though perhaps also prevalent in the Southwestern region of the nation.)

What I don't get is why it is Carl's Jr. and not Carl Jr.'s


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