Thursday, May 25, 2006

Adventures in misanthropy.

I can't think of a better way to kill another soul-deadening day at the office than compiling a Hate list with the co-founder of Horny Gandhi.

I'm pleased to present "50 Things We Hate"* compiled by Ben and Nayiri.

1. Sweaty feet.
2. Improper use of your/you're, its/it's, their/there/they're, etc.
3. Mustard yellow.
4. Pitstains.
5. Periods, commas, etc. outside of the end-quote. If you're a Brit,we'll let it slide. Not in America, yo.
6. Being forced to touch the bathroom door after washing your hands.
7. Bathroom doors that require you to touch them after washing your hands ( i.e. doors with stupid handles, or doors in bathrooms that
only have air dryers and no towels)
8. People who say "I like every kind of music except country."
9. Dave Eggers.
10. "Family Guy"
11. People who quote "Family Guy"
12. Things that are sticky (jamhands, breakfast menus covered in maple syrup, etc.)
13. Slow pedestrians who take up the entire sidewalk.
14. Coconut, a.k.a cuticle.
15. John Travolta and Kelly Preston.
16. Hives. (The malady, not the band.)
17. Stetson cologne.
18. Mouthbreathers.
19. People who are proudly tech-ignorant.
20. Hot cauliflower.
21. Lipstick marks on glasses, mugs, straws, and other miscellaneous beverage-related items.
22. VPL.
23. Chapped lips.
24. Face marks on windows, i.e. from where an airplane passenger rested his or her head whilst sleeping/watching the in-flight movie.
25. Coral-colored nail polish, particularly on toes.
26. Misuse of the transitional "Anyway" as "Anyways."
27. Excessive regional pride.
28. Dirty laundromats.
29. The statement "I'm not really religious, I'm spiritual."
30. The phrase "Post 9/11."
31. Men with long fingernails who aren't transvestites, drag queens, etc.
32. People who call California "Cali," Atlantic City "AC," San Francisco "SF," etc.
33. Beyoncé.
34. Poor spellers who have no excuse for being poor spellers.
35. Foot draggers, especially foot draggers in flip-flops.
36. Weak handshakes.
37. Sloppy diction.
38. Road Rules/Real World challenge(s).
39. Jay Leno.
40. People who yell out "Free Bird!" during a lull at a concert.
41. Cat people.
42. Decaf.
43. Picky eaters, specifically when they are adults.
44. Women who can't walk in their shoes.
45. People who say "fudgeicle" instead of "fudgesicle."
46. Lint.
47. Jean shorts.
48. Ticketmaster.
49. Jägermeister.
50. Waiting four months for Season 3 of "Lost."

* = I guess I should put a slight caveat in place. Some of these are more personal than others. For instance, I'm personally okay with VPL, coral nail polish, and Beyoncé-- especially when they're all part of one intoxicating blend.

8 Comments:

At 3:14 PM, Blogger girish said...

I wonder if any of you "real" friends (as opposed to an "imaginary" one like me) can suss out Ben's pet peeves and Nayiri's....?

e.g. 8 and 9 have a touch of Ben about 'em....

Hailing as I do from a former Brit colony, and brought up (for better or worse) through the Brit-designed educational system, I have some issues with 5.

I have little love for much of what my ex-colonialists did, but on this one, their practice makes more sense to me than the American one. The period marks the conclusion of the sentence, not the end of the word or phrase within quotes, so it makes more sense to me for it to be placed outside the quotes. But after years of being told how much of an eyesore that is to Americans, I have repressed my intution and reluctantly capitulated.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Ben said...

G., you nailed it. Seeing that period outside of the endquote is... it's the visual equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me.

And I'm'a steal a trick from the Girish playbook and post a link in my comment section:
David Byrne's essay on the evolution of music packaging/graphic design is a beaut. As someone who obsesses over liner notes, the mp3 evolution hurts. But Byrne has some major points.

 
At 12:40 AM, Blogger Joshua said...

What exactly is the distinction in the its/its combo? I understand its versus it's but your new-fangled grammatical rules are beyond a little ole queen like me.

The comma/quotes controversy is bound to be one of the great struggles of the Twenty First Century. I agree with Ben that it's painful to see, but I also agree with Girish that it makes no sense. I'm especially conflicted about its use when dealing with titles, because it's equally offensive in that mode and yet makes even less sense, in terms of the flow of language. For instance: "Have you heard 'Jesus Take the Wheel,' Carrie Underwood's new single?" Simply isn't conducive to speech, but "Have you heard 'Jesus Take the Weel', Carrie Underwood's new single" looks fracking stupid. God damn you MLA!

 
At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Nayiri said...

Okay, here's my contribution to the great quotation mark debate: Quotation marks are intended to set off dialogue, a quotation, or a phrase, not necessarily "conclusion of the sentence" as stated by Girish. In American English, the standard is for punctuation such as commas to be included within the quotation marks regardless of whether or not the aforementioned punctuation is a part of the section in quotation marks. What the British want to do is their own damn business. Ben and I just hate it.

And no. 2 is a typo, Josh. Le whoops.

And I happen to HATE people who fall into the no. 8 category! And Dave Eggers can eat it.

And Ben's okay with VPL, coral nail polish, and Beyoncé because apparently he likes his ladies taaaaaacky.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Joshua said...

But Nayiri, by being in quotes, it would strike me that everything in the quotation marks, including the marks themselves, form a distinct grammatical entity, much like a word, and therefore including puncutation within the quotes would be like writing: I hate yo!u

And I was just teasing about the typo. When grammar Nazis have typos it makes me laugh a hearty, angry laugh of Justice.

And I still agree about quotations. I just think the way we do it is stupid and nonsensical. That doesn't mean it's not right. That's what makes this America. Not Russia.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger girish said...

"And I still agree about quotations. I just think the way we do it is stupid and nonsensical. That doesn't mean it's not right. That's what makes this America. Not Russia."
As my students might say: LOL!

See--this is why Joshua could never pull off the anonymous commenter thing--he'd be outed in a minute. That sentence has Joshua written all over it.

 
At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

43.

fat people who are picky eaters. how'd ya get so fat by being picky?

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

Great list, but I like every genre cept country.

 

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