Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Reasons to love/hate Peter Biskind.

I've yet to read Peter Biskind's profile of Woody Allen in the current issue of Vanity Fair, but if this bit, excerpted by The Reeler, is any indication, I might just die in the process. Biskind's shitty "film" books give me enough reason to hate him for life, but his tenuous/retarded grasp on the concept of "Great Directors" (as found in said excerpt) pushed me over the edge. The Reeler offers enough ammo to shoot Biskind down, so whatever to his dumb assertions. The real reason for me bringing all this up is the Dr. Zhivago-in-scale-reads-like-it-was-written-by- Bret-Easton-Ellis comment left on The Reeler's blog. It is, in the words of James Lipton, a delight (and, most likely, all lies-- but I digress). Ladies and Gents, the work of one Soi Rand:
Peter Biskind used to date my mom. This was back in '77. After she split from Ken Norton. Peter was a big fan of Loggins and Messina. When he made love to my mother he would make sure that every candle in the house was lit. Then he would scooch her down to the foot of the bed. I'm not kidding. They were loud. We lived in one of those plywood condos on Beverly Glen. Peter and my mom made the whole place shake. I couldn't sleep so I would watch television and let me tell you that nothing is scarier to a five year old than watcing the preview for Magic while Peter Biskind is going to town on your mother. Peter was the one who took me to see The Apple Dumpling Gang. We sat in the middle and he ate from a bag of Mother's Animal Cookies. I tried to ask him a question during the middle of the movie and he told me to shut the f*&% up. That doesn't mean I don't have pleasant memories of Peter. Because I do. Like the time he took me to Knott's Berry Farm. I remember eating ate the fried chicken restaurant and how bits of mashed potato clung to Peter's moustache. He ate like five or six biscuits and couldn't stop talking about that scene from Altman's A Wedding, the one were Desi Jr and that other guy take a shower together. He said it made him upset. I didn't ask him why it made him upset but he told me anyway. He said that it was disturbing to see a man wear his underwear in the shower.

It didn't disappoint, did it?


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