Wilson.

An exchange I had with my friend Morgan:

MORGAN (5:04:57 PM): I can't get over how much I love THE LIMEY.
BEN (5:05:10 PM): I love the Limey too.
MORGAN (5:05:27 PM): I think people -- the people who have seen it anyhow -- like THE LIMEY, but I don't think the kind of love I feel for it is acceptable in most circles.
BEN (5:05:58 PM): like you want to fuck the dvd?
MORGAN (5:06:04 PM): More or less.

Quote of the day.

"There's actually a network that I could think of that [does not ask difficult questions] for a living, which is tell the people at home the same answer all the time, because it makes them feel good. And they don't like hearing arguments on that network, the people that watch it. There are people out there that - there was a great scene at the end of Carnal Knowledge - remember that old movie - where Jack Nicholson is going to the hooker, and he wants it exactly the same every time. And when she - when Rita Morena, who played the hooker, said something just a little bit different in their normal sort of business they did, and he couldn't do it. They want it exactly the same way, these people who watch Fox. Every night they want it the same way. They can't do it if it's not exactly the same way."

--Chris Matthews (from his appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher).

2 + 2 = 5

1) David Byrne (live 8/28/04).
David Byrne + bassist + two percussionists + string sextet + hotness from the last solo album + a generous slab of Talking Heads funk = the shit. One of the most fun and musically interesting (non-Largo) shows that I've seen in a long time.

2) Walt Disney Music Center.
Did I mention that Mr. Byrne played in my most favorite building in all of Los Angeles?

Seriously, the Gehry-designed bulding--all sheets of steel jutting out at insane angles--sends me into seizures. (That's a good thing.)

Inside, Gehry's fluid design continues and the acoustics are fantastic. A concert highlight: David Byrne performing "Heaven" alone on the acoustic guitar, wandering away from the microphone, singing the end of the song without the p.a.

3) Inconspicuous Consumption.
Amusing essays on bizzare and overlooked products from "consumer culture." I esp like the essays on 3 Point Pop, Progresso Red Clam Sauce ("Now With More Flavor!") and Whiskas Kitty Stew.

4) Criterion's Videodrome packaging.
I haven't even seen the film yet, but the package is sly. The artwork/synopsis/techincal specs are on a cardboard sleeve. The DVD package slides out and looks like an old Beta casette. Love it.


5) The return of Sully.
I missed hearing from the world's only gay-British-HIV+-Catholic-socially liberal/fiscally conservative-Republican blogger when he took August off. Now he's back and all worked up (as usual) and the blogosphere is a better place.

Quote of the day.

"Shouldn't [VMA exec producers] Frattini and Sirulnick get credit for scheduling at least one act that was out of the box? Nope, not if your idea of being 'edgy' is booking fucktards on shitloads of microdots (aka, The Polyphonic Abortion)!"

--Uncle Grambo expressing his hatred of last night's VMAs. Fucktards on shitloads of microdots. Classic.

ByrneBlog.

David Byrne has a blog.
In this blog he writes about life on the road and being David Byrne.
As you can imagine, this is often amusing and weird.

I esp liked this entry:

I get a ride back from a cab driver that would be perfect casting for Ignatius from "Confederacy of Dunces". He's a large man wearing big shades, shaved head and, in this unusual heat for San Francisco, a rolled up wooly winter hat. He recognized me and told me he knew that the lead guitarist from Talking Heads lived in Marin (he means Jerry)
He also knows where Dana Carvey lives so he proceeded to try and convince me to get together with Dana, whom I don't think I've ever met, and start a club. Nice tables, some drinks, some comedy and some good wholesome music- how could we lose?
Then he moved on to discuss the"“Negro Infection"- by which I think he meant lewd and violent lyrics in Gangsta Rap. His own musical favorite is Huey Lewis, who in his opinion needs to be played on the radio more. Maybe Huey and I could both play at the proposed club, yeah!

Huckabees ♥ Me

The rumor is: the I ♥ Huckabees sountrack is going to be called Huckabees ♥ Me-- "music from the film with extra added lyrics and special sauce." Huzzah.

VMAs.

Just a few thoughts:

• I know I'm now officially out of the MTV target demo, but seriously... there was nothing that was entertaining on last night's show.
  
  
• Well, except for Hoobastank. How amazing was that? That dude was off-key for the entire song. And, like, horribly-cat-screechingly off-key.
  
  
• Is Mase-- oops, sorry--Ma$e retarded? I really thought he was. When he came out with Diddy and just kept saying "Welcome baaaack" in that sing-songy way with the Rain Man/shit-eating grin, I was thinking "Who is that 'tard that wandered on stage?" And when you are the person returning for religious exile, aren't your fans supposed to say "Welcome baaaaaack"? It would make more sense that way.
  
  
• Are we all sick of that fucking Gap ad yet?
  

Lame.

Update:
Oops, I forgot a couple things:

• How awesome was it that Andre 3000 made it known that he was sick of performing "Hey Ya!"? What did he say? Something like: "And now for the millionth time, 'Hey Ya!' goddamit." Awesome.
  
  
• Did Usher think he was winning a Nobel prize? For serious: that motherfucker was up there talking for, like, 20 minutes after winning BEST DANCE VIDEO. Hey douche bag, no one cares.
  
  
• Did I mention how funny Hoobastank was?
  
  
• They give out awards for Best Videogame Soundtrack? They couldn't find the time to give Mark Romanek his best director award during the show, but they stopped everything to give out an award for Best Videogame Soundtrack?
  
  
• Wayne Coyne showed up in a bubble. That was kind of cool.
  
  
• Who is Yellowcard and why do we care?

News of the day.

Pat Robertson and Sully are going to be on the next Real Time with Bill Maher together.

Bring that shit.

Hatred.

I guess this is what happens when you really don't have anything to say as a filmmaker. What happened to no more Askewniverse movies (or whatever)? Guess someone's a little worried about the fanbase after Jersey Girl. And The Passion of the Clerks? That shit is so bad it makes me think this is a fake news story.

Yahoo! News - Director Kevin Smith Plans 'Clerks' Sequel

NOTE: After posting this, I went back and read it. People, it doesn't manage to convey my hatred of this man. Understand that this man is an artless fuck. Understand that the creator of Jersey Girl and the forthcoming Passion of the Clerks had the balls to hate on Magnolia. Hating of a movie is fine, but when you are the creator of Mallrats? Yeah, not so much.

Oops.

Bob Dole doesn't realize he's still being taped and says Pres. Bush should be ashamed. Well, ashamed for his part in the 2000 smear campaign against John McCain. Read about it at Slate.

Quote of the day.

"But the sad truth is, the real difference between Democrats and Republicans is that their celebrities are, like, actually famous and ours are, well, singing weirdly erotic songs about Our Savior."

--Rob Long on Slate.

So maybe they don't totally suck.

McSweeney's has an amusing list of email addresses that'd be annoying to give out over the phone. Among them:

Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
One1TheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com

More here.

(Thanks to Witz.)

Mikis clears it up.

Mikis Theodorakis is such a lovable old anti-semite.
Last year the beloved composer of Zorba The Greek proclaimed that Jews were the root of all evil. Now he's stepped forward to clear things up.
He says: "[I]t's important for me to emphasize that I never said that the Jews are the root of evil. I said they are at the root of evil."
See? Don't you feel bad for calling Miki a Jew-hater? And ya gotta love the humility in this line:

"No [I have no regrets for making the aforementioned statement]. And I was very much hurt by the Jewish reaction to what I said. It was not a civilized reaction. I got hundreds and hundreds of poisonous e-mails from Jews all over the world. I couldn't understand this hatred toward me. I fought against racism all my life. I was for Israel. I wrote "Mauthausen." After all that, how could I become from one day to the next an anti-Semite?"

The poor, misunderstood guy.

Quote of the day.

"There's just something about having your clit licked while you know you don't have to go to work in the morning that makes it so much better."

--That Ashley Girl.

This girl and her blog are the best ever. (And props to Timbo for being linked by her.)

Other Criterion news...

They're prepping (among others):

Hoop Dreams, Crash, Naked, Damage, The Last Metro, The Milky Way, and Angel at My Table.

Thank you, God.

Dave Poland blows, Dave Edelstein rules.

David Edelstein on Alien Vs. Predator:
"[D]readlocked Klingons hunting slimy vagina dentatas."

(And his problem with Garden State is nicely summed up: "But once the healing stuff kicked in, I began to dread Braff's actorish emotional dilemmas and his big teeth.")

Pixies!

Go to Fluxblog and check out the second new Pixies song recorded since 1991. It's a cover of a Warren Zevon song, recorded for an upcoming tribute. And I think it sounds pretty smashing. Maybe that's just me on a nostalgia trip, but it's so nice to hear Francis and Kim trading lines again.

(Oh and if you haven't heard the first Pixies song recorded since 1991 ["Bam Thwok"], get over to iTunes, download that shit, and hear what the producers of Shrek 2 decided to cut from their soundtrack.)

The future Mrs. Casablancas has a blog...

...and it's f-ing fun as s.:

"I was in the room alone. It took me a full five minutes or so to realize that Julian was just in the shower and not in another bed somewhere with another girl(s). Took me only about 5 seconds after that to realize I was about to be sick, so I stumbled to the bathroom and managed to get to the toilet and threw up until I was puking bile. Jules standing there in the shower looking down at me and looking dead said 'if only I could hide it as well as you do.' Then for different reasons I came close to a breakdown and suddenly hated him more than I'd ever hated anything, but he said head up, baby, this shit isn't new to you anymore, you never do anything you don't intend to. So I got over it, as one does, then a smile and a kiss and a fuck and a song and back to normal."

(Hat tip to Moistworks for finding it.)

Jill's big break.

Props to my high school buddy Jill Bennett. She's been cast in some indie hotness opposite, among others, the Loaf and the Dratch. Even better: she's playing a vicious lesbian hit woman. With a cast like that, you just can't fail.

IMDb Pro : News: "Lauren Holly, Angus MacFadyen, Lacey Chabert, Rachel Dratch, Angelo Spizzirri, Jill Bennett, Jason Mewes and Meat Loaf are set to star in indie feature The Pleasure Drivers. Helmer Andrzej Sekula -- who has worked as a cinematographer on such films as Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs and Mary Harron's American Psycho -- is directing the project in Los Angeles. Penned by Adam Haynes, Pleasure Drivers is a crime thriller with separate yet interconnected stories involving characters including a psychology professor who has lost touch with reality (MacFadyen); a young sociopathic call girl (Chabert); a vicious lesbian hit woman (Bennett); a recovering crack addict and kidnapper (Holly); a junkyard drunk (Meat Loaf); a brain-damaged former cult guru (Spizzirri); and dueling gas station attendants (Dratch and Mewes)."

(Poseur) Quote of the day.

"I moved to New York, in part, because I wanted to experience the city’s sidewalk cacophony, everything from the rumbling buses to cabbies hollering 'Get the fuck outta my way!' With my [iPod], I became deaf to the urban orchestra playing around me."

--Gabriel Sherman in the NY Observer.
(As spotted by Stereogum.)

Dave Poland blows, part 3,789.

Seriously, y'all, what is up with this douche?
You know PL's dumb hatred of Sasha Frere-Jones? Yeah, wll my hatred of the Poland is like that (except it's justified and understandable). I think what I hate the most about this fuckhead (aside from his announcement that the Wayans are the next Marx Brothers) is how he is forever whining about how he's a real film critic and there are so few real film critics left. How he is one of the lone voices of reason in the wilderness as people like Manhola Dargis sell out to the man. Then I read this from his fall movie preview:

From this perch, I can confidently claim that the best movie of the nine scheduled for release on September 17 is Paramount Classic's Enduring Love, one of the very finest and most thoughtful films I have seen this year. (Disney sent a Bernie Mac Mr. 3000 bobblehead doll that I will cherish for life... my Anchorman collection, who are under attack on my mantle from some very scary Alien and Predator dolls, has finally been integrated. Might I humbly suggest celebrity-faced rubber ducks as the next great innovation in movie kitsch.)

I know next to nothing about Enduring Love, so no qualms there. But then what the fuck is that paranthetical? A: what does that have to do with anything? B: is he just trying to piss of Harry Knowles? Is that what that is? He's trying to start shit with tubby online fanboys who like to play with movie dolls? Is this the work of a real, uncompromising film critic?

Memo to Dave: I know you're pissed that you don't write for a real paper or online publication. I know that you must be pissed that you are no longer trusted with running/programming big film festiavls. That's because people know/think you're a big pile of used-up douche. One way to overcome the appearance that you're used-up douche would be to STOP PICKING FIGHTS WITH HARRY KNOWLES LIKE IT'S 1996. NOBODY CARES ANYMORE.

H-O-T-T.

Variety.com: Paramount has made a mid-six against seven-figure rights deal for 'Curly Oxide and Vic Thrill,' a film that will be scripted by Tina Fey for producers Lorne Michaels and John Goldwyn.

Fey will draw a comedy out of the true story of a Hasidic Jew and a grizzled rock musician who form a band.

S/FJ.

Sasha Frere-Jones, in addition to being a most rad music critic, seems to be a most rad dad. Why? He has two kids that fight over which Devo song gets played on the way to school. That is a sign of good parenting.

There's virtually a bomb.

Boo-urns to Manny Perry.
He's that asshole stunt-coordinater who blathers on before movies here in LA. He's the star of this anti-piracy ad campaign wherein he talks about how awesome his stunt work is (for Enemy of the State he rigged a car so "there was virtually a bomb [in it]") and how downloading movies is "like stealing a candybar" and putting him out of work. Or some such bullshit. (I figured all the studios cutting budgets by sending work to Canada was probably fucking up Manny's mojo more than some asshole on Kazaa or whatever those damn kids use for their downloading.) All I know if I'm sick of Manny.

Apparently I am not alone. The good peeps at Defamer have started an anti-Manny campaign.

Thanks, guys. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Cremy delights.

I had my first experience with the Cremaster Cycle last night.
Netflix exceeded all expectations and delivered my first batch of movies a day early. Huzzah to them.
The first movie in was "The Order," a 30 minute excerpt from the three hour epic Cremaster 3. For those unaware, visual artist Matthew Barney (aka Bjork's baby daddy) created a five film cycle (out of order) over eight years. The films (from what I hear) are all lavishly produced, art directed and almost entirely non-narrative.
"The Order" is 30 minutes of Matthew Barney running through the NY Guggenheim, encountering different art installations and/or representations of the female psyche and/or models missing limbs and/or the punk band Agnostic Front.
Did I mention I worshipped every bizarre second?
Now I need to find a place that is screening the full films, 'cause this shit is brilliant.
All you Netflixers add this one to your queue.
Oh and here's a pic of Matthew Barney from "The Order":

The Final Cut trailer.

The trailer for Omar's movie is up (hat tip to Morgan for spotting it).

My honest reaction: it's OK. Obvs I wanted to love it. But there's something inert about it. I think it takes too long to get to the premise. That said, I think it looks great (esp considering its low budget-- thanks, Tak!) and I didn't wish death upon Robin Williams, Mira Sorvino or Jesus himself (which is quite an accomplishment).

I'm still convinced that it could be a good little thriller. But then again, I want it to be a good little thriller. (I probably wouldn't be this kind to it if I didn't know Omar.)

Whatevs. Judge it for yourselves.

Hating on the ocean.

I was amazed to read that Pier liked the Brian Wilson track. Oh wait... I misunderstood. In a shocking turn of events, PL hated it.

Speaking of not liking things, enjoy this excerpt from Brian Wilson and his wife Melinda on Larry King. (The link to the transcript was posted in the comment section over at Stereogum.) Word is Brian does like The People's Court.

KING: We're back with Brian Wilson and Melinda Wilson, the saga of the Beach Boys and their new CD is "Getting in Over My Head." Featured on it, Elton John and Paul McCartney. We'll talk about that later on right now. Right now we're tracing the history. Did you surf? Were you a surfer?

B. WILSON: I couldn't surf. I never learned. No. Dennis surfed. I couldn't surf. I never learned how.

M. WILSON: He doesn't even like the ocean.

B. WILSON: I don't like the ocean.

2 + 2 = 5

1) Netflix.
I finally buckled and joined Netflix. And that's a good thing. For whatever reason, I found the concept of Netflix to be pointless and not something I was down with. I dunno, something about the whole waiting for the mail and then sending it back in, blah blah blah, it annoyed me. So I ignored the whole enterprise. Last week I found myself putzing around the Netflix website and came to the conclusion that it might be the best thing ever and added 70 movies to my queue. I haven't even gotten my first batch of movies (The Thin Red Line, The Straight Story, that excerpt from The Cremaster 3) so this all might be premature. But I doubt it.

2) The 33 1/3 book series.

I love this series of smart, pocket size treatises on landmark albums. I've just started the volume on OK Computer and I love the fact that I'm 60 pages in and there's been really no reference to Radiohead (yet). Instead, I've read an extended essay on audio formats (the album, the single, the ep, the double album, the concept album, the CD album, etc.) That's what's so brilliant about the series: really smart writers take on an album and use that as a springboard to discuss a myriad of related topics. I also highly recommend the volumes on Sign O' the Times and The Velvet Underground and Nico. Oh and Mrs. Josh Gibson has a forthcoming volume on The Replacement's Let It Be.

3) Kill Christ.
I stumbled across this little satire yesterday over at Movie City News. Spencer Somers took images from the Passion of the Christ trailer, recontexualized them with the addition of the song "Battle Without honor or Humanity" (aka that action-movie music that plays during the Kill Bill Vol. 1 trailer), and revealed Mel's film for what it is: a masturbatory meditation on violence and pain (like Kill Bill only without the humor and self-awareness).

4) Bogie and Bacall's horse conversation in The Big Sleep.

I finally saw The Big Sleep over the weekend and... well, it goes without saying that I was deeply confused. (Even worse: I was confused and I had read the book that the movie is based on.) Confusion aside, Bogie and Bacall didn't disappoint. The best was the infamous scene where they talk about "betting on horses." Check it:

Vivian : Speaking of horses, I like to play them myself. But I like to see them workout a little first, see if they're front runners or come from behind, find out what their whole card is, what makes them run.
Marlowe : Find out mine?
Vivian : I think so.
Marlowe : Go ahead.
Vivian : I'd say you don't like to be rated. You like to get out in front, open up a little lead, take a little breather in the backstretch, and then come home free.
Marlowe : You don't like to be rated yourself.
Vivian : I haven't met anyone yet that can do it. Any suggestions?
Marlowe : Well, I can't tell till I've seen you over a distance of ground. You've got a touch of class, but I don't know how, how far you can go.
Vivian : A lot depends on who's in the saddle.

Yowza.

5) "Leaving New York" by R.E.M.

Huzzah! I like a new R.E.M. song. I've not been the biggest fan of R.E.M.'s recent output, but I really like "Leaving New York." It seems an odd choice for a first single (it seems more like a deep album cut), but it's a solid track that I've been playing repeatedly. (You can download it off iTunes or stream it at R.E.M.HQ.)

H&V '04

Scott Stereogum has a leaked copy of "Heros and Villians" from Brian Wilson's upcoming recreation of SMiLE.

I haven't listened to it yet.
Too scared to.

UPDATE: Listened to it. It's 'aight. My fears were unfounded. That said there is something off about it. But it's ok.

Toronto Film Fest lineup.

The list of films is here.

Until I saw the list, I had completely forgotten about Eros-- that omnibus by Wong Kar-wai, Steven Soderbergh, and Michelangelo Antonioni. Huzzah to that. And huzzah to Beyond the Sea. I know the film world has been clamoring for Kevin Spacey's performance as Bobby Darin. May its brilliance shine brighter than Pay It Forward and K-Pax.

GOP Superstars.

Stereogum's got a list of the Repub's allstar Bush Backers. And I thought that Lee Ann Womack and Vincent Gallo were the only famous BC04 peeps. Here's the list:

* Adam Sandler
* Freddie Prinze Junior
* Jessica Simpson
* Shannen Doherty
* Bruce Willis
* Tom Selleck
* Dennis Franz
* Lara Flynn Boyle
* Don King
* The Rock
* Vincent Gallo
* Mark Wahlberg
* Gene Simmons
* Carlos Santana

I hear Jessica Simpson has mad nuanced political views on campaign finance reform.

Time waster.

Monday dragging on and on? Word up to that. Stick it to the man and waste some precious work time by trying to spot the virgin. My accuracy was a whopping 42%.

(This waste of time brought to my attention by the 'bot.)

Mental image of the day.

Let us all take a deep breath, close our eyes, and try to imagine Vincent Gallo and R.M. Nixon at a Dennis Hopper photography show. And exhale. See, wasn't that awesome?

(From The New York Times Magazine:

Why are you a Republican?

VINCENT GALLO: If we were going to see a show of Dennis Hopper's photographs, do you think Richard Nixon or Bill Clinton would be more sensitive to the work? I see Nixon as an intellectual. I consider Bill Clinton a huckster. )

Ear nose.

In observance of The Whine Colored Sea's policy regarding Michael Jackson, we present a link to this news story without commentary but with an awful picture. Enjoy.


Surgeon used Jacko's ear to fix nose.

Best.

"[Kim Jong Il], for his part, feeds the international weapons inspector Hans Blix to his sharks. (They used real sharks for that scene.) But not before he croons a song about the solo life of an absolute dictator: 'I'm so Rone-ry.'"

The New York Times is on the set of Team America.

The title says it all.

Crossbow for paralysed people.

Art crimes.

This shit boggles my mind.
Armed Robbers Steal Munch's 'The Scream' in Oslo.

Into the eye of the zeitgeist.

I finally dragged myself to to pop cultural force that is Garden State. I thought I was really going to hate it. While seeing "A Zach Braff Film" on the poster of the film you're about to walk into might excite the legions of Scrubs fans out there, yeah it doesn't so much excite me.
Amazingly I didn't hate the whole movie.
Just major portions of it.

Anyway, here are the pros and cons.

PROS:

• Natalie Portman. I want her to be my lying girlfriend. Even with her pre-fab zany family that only a writer could love/invent. I want to make out with her, even if she's always insisting on listening to The Shins. I want to be at parties where she'll strip to her panties and go swimming. She's perfect. She even makes Zach Braf an OK actor in their scenes together.
  I want Natnat to make more movies.
  
  
• Peter Sarsgaard. This guy's a great actor. He's got very little to work with in the film, he does his best, he walks away unscathed.

CONS:

• Zach Braff the actor. Those big scenes that he's written for himself... you know, the big thundering part where he confronts his father over all the baggage he's carrying, etc. Yeah that doesn't so much work out.
  
  
• Zach Braff the writer. Maybe Zach the actor can't connect all that well because Zach the writer didn't craft a character with much depth. Oh sure, he tries to make the character tortured and hurt and searching, but there's so little there. Also bad: the entire subplot with Ian Holm as Zach's dad. Youch. Sucks. Oh and even worse: the Wes Anderson-lite magical realism.
  
  
• Zach Braff the director. You get the picture.
  Watching the movie, I kept wishing that Zach had found a better actor, let someone sharpen his script, and then handed the project off to someone with a vision. Oh that's right, but then you wouldn't have a vanity project. Which is all this is. I'm fine with vanity projects and rampant narcissism in film, just have the talent to back it up. But props to the Braff, he managed to write a really redundant homage to The Graduate/post-collegiate ennui, convinced people to let him direct and star in it, and then somehow convinced Natnat to be in the film. (Let's pretend that we don't know that in real life, Zach is currently exploring the most kosher parts of Ms. Portman.) Bravo, Zach. That was some cunning work.
  
  And finally:
  
• The soundtrack by KCRW. I like KCRW too. They play some great music. But there is an art to the whole "mixtape as film soundtrack" approach. Cramming every second of the film with The Shins and Coldplay and Frou Frou and Iron & Wine (covering The Postal Service no less!) is annoying and gratuitous. It also makes me think that you have shitty musical taste when you cram so many Morning Becomes Eclectic-approved songs into a film. It's as if you have no other musical reference than what's being piped to you from Nic Harcourt.
  

OK, that's the rant.

This land is made for you and me.

An mp3 for Josh & Tom-- from their fave political rock band.

Malkin's love of the Hardball.

Now that I've broken off my relationship with Michelle Malkin and have spoken to the FOX News legal department, I am prepared to announce that as a joint effort, both FOX News and The Whine Colored Sea are giving permission to Michelle Malkin to get over it and get it on with Chris Matthews. Jesus. Did you read about their tiff? (Here's a transcript of the Hardball she was on. And here's Michelle's frenzied blog entry on the whole event.)

Michelle, honey, it's OK. Stop resisting and learn to love the Matthews spittle/hardball.

That's ignorant.

MJ wants everyone to stop making fun of him, calling him "Wacko Jacko," etc.

We here at the Whine Colored Sea are going to comply. There will be no name calling, no jokes at Michael's expense... just a picture of Mr. Jackson to remind you what a talented and well-adjusted 46 year old he is. Thank you.

This upsets me.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Are you for serious?

Well, if The Flaming Lips could jam at the Peach Pit, I guess this is OK.

From MTV News:

"A spokesperson for [The O.C.] confirmed that Modest Mouse, the Walkmen and the Killers are all scheduled to grace Orange County's sunny shores this season, which begins November 5. The Walkmen and the Killers have already taped their appearances.
"The characters are opening a club — like the Peach Pit After Dark on '90210' — it's called the Bait Shop," Walkmen bassist Pete Bauer said. "They wanted a band to open it up. So I think we're the first band at the Bait Shop."
The Walkmen perform two songs, "What's in It for Me" and "Little House of Savages," from their album Bows + Arrows, in a key scene during the new season's third episode. But just what happens in the scene is a mystery. Bauer is mum on the details.
"Characters kiss during our slow jam. But I don't know if I'm allowed to give that away," he said. "They have a crane shot from us up to a balcony, and then everybody watches them kiss and the girl runs off. That's going to be the highlight for us, a scene where characters make out and then run off."

God bless Mr. Hoppe, part 2.

I just laughed continuously for, oh, 10 minutes reading about the fight Tom's having with some 17 year old blogger.

Wow. That was really entertaining.

Site of the day.

Jill Greenberg's Monkey Portraits.



Are you going to try and deny it? I didn't think so.

(Link via BoingBoing.)

Mirna & Schmirna.

Slate's gonna miss them too. Choice quote: "Charla is a dwarf (or to use the preferred term, a little person), while Mirna is a bitch (a condition for which no preferred term yet exists.)"

Side note: CBS has announced Amazing Race 6 begins Sept. 25. That said, I guarantee you they won't have a midget and her evil, "bellissimo" cousin as a team.

It's official.

Two Releases of Fanny and Alexander Coming This Fall

The Criterion Collection is currently working on two separate editions of the Ingmar Bergman masterpiece Fanny and Alexander. The theatrical edition ($29.95) presents the Academy Award-winning 188-minute version of the film in a two-disc set with audio commentary by film scholar Peter Cowie, a collection of introductions by Bergman to eleven of his films, and an assortment of trailers. The special-edition five-disc boxed set ($59.95) includes the complete contents of the theatrical edition as well as the five-hour director’s cut of the film, Bergman’s own feature-length documentary The Making of Fanny and Alexander, a new 40-minute video of exclusive interviews with cast and crew, and Ingmar Bergman Bids Farewell to Film—a one-hour filmed interview with the famed director. Look for both editions of Fanny and Alexander in November!

Why I love the new Navbar.

That Next Blog feature is so crafty. How else would I have stumbled upon this nifty entry from a blog called The Bottle and Glass?

I can't tell if it's the work of a serial killer or a wry Milwaukeeian (is that a word?). It makes me laugh (and think of Tom on a really bad day).

"You fucking cunt," I shouted. From then on, the Wisconsin state fair would be downhill. I was walking past a funnel cake stand and some stupid bitch employee, thought it would be funny to shoot an ungodly amount powdered sugar at one of her friends. Like a cliche out of a comedy sketch, the friend jumps out of the way, leaving me, the innocent bystander, in the sugars wake. That night, something in me just snapped. I hurled my body inside the tiny connession stand, screaming obscenities, and hurling spit. Needless to say, I had to be dragged out of the booth. I surprised myself that night, had it been any other day, I would have laughed right along with the other fair goers, but having to listen to Amy Grant, who was playing at the fair that night (my has her star fallen) pushed me over the edge. Milwaukee's finest escorted me out of the grounds, and I've been banished from the fair for good. It was only my second visit to the fair. The first was 17 years beforehand. Oh well, not going to miss much. Let me summarize everything the Wisconsin fair has to offer: smelly livestock, fat people, creampuffs, expensive everything, Amy Grant.

An update from the Badlands.

It's been a while since I linked to Badonicus's blog (you know, that lovable-huggable-Jew-hating-racist-Christian fundamentalist). This post--where Senor Bad manages to link Jerry Stahl's heroin addiction/stint writing for ALF with Penelope Spheeris, the Jew-run porn industry, Jew-run Hollywood, and the total destruction of the "White Christian way of life"--is mind-blowing. People actually believe this stuff.

Josh, just FYI (2).

Josh, Defamer points out that your docuhe bag boyf has responded to the stalker. I would like to point out that Zach is such a frickin' 'tard that he can't even spell his name right. Jeez. Oh and he's not very funny (but we knew that already).

Anyway, here's the response :

Hi. It's me, Zack.[sic] Here to defend myself after my publicist called me. This can all be easily explained. I was at that party and yes I was in the bathroom for a long time. Partly because I had some bowel problems but also yes that smell you smelled was pot, weed, the big green one but I was only taking it for my glaucoma.

If you also saw me sniffing that was my nasal spray. I have a sinus infection. The trashy girl with me was my live in nurse. She also adminstered eye drops which dialated my eyes so I really couldn't see so I had to follow her around the party. As for us making out, I have a tonsillitis and she left all her tongue depressors at home. She have to improvise and use her tongue which does have over 2000 nerve endings. The truth is I'm just an old man in a young man's body. I hope this clears some things up. To all my fans: Please keep going to see my movie, Garden State. The millions I made from that plus the couple of hundred thousand I make per episode on Scrubs barely covers my medical bills. I only PLAY a doctor on TV. And in case you were wondering, I did put all my medical conditions in my autobiographical movie but the studio execs cut it. They thought it was too big of a downer.

She got served.

A couple issues back, The New Yorker's Louis Menand put Lynne Truss' arse in a sling. This is a great thing. For those who don't know, Ms. Truss wrote this mega-annoying book on grammar called Eats, Shoots & Leaves.
Being that I am a grammar retard (obviously), I bought into the hype, got the book, made it to page 25 or so, and then I gave up. The book is filled with this woman's annoying, unfunny schtick and, worst of all, I kept spotting little grammatical errors. I am allowed to make grammatical errors as I am a self-professed mongoloid. Lynne Truss, self-professed grammar stickler, is not.
My point? Go read Mr. Menand's evisceration. You'll be glad you did.

SIDE NOTE: Do you guys remember that annoying one-hit wonder from the mid-'90s that was all grammar-centric? It's the one that went: "I love you period / Do you love me question mark / Please please exclamaition point / I want to hold you in parentheses." Right? Remember that? That's all.

Jon Brion on the score to I <3 Huckabee's

This makes me veddy, veddy happy indeed.
I know that motherfucker is sitting on dozens of completed songs and is dragging his feet on releasing another proper album... this will more than tide me over.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

"I began the soundtrack by creating what I would call typically good
soundtrack music. (Director) David Russell's reaction was that he
wanted more 'good' feeling in it -- more feeling, in general. David
and I had a conversation about how disgustingly gratuitous song
placement in the movies has become, and how most soundtrack music
doesn't have a sense of song to it. It has gotten to the point where
you really feel, as a viewer, that almost every song placement is
really just a marketing scam.

I had been remembering some older film soundtracks that were
iconographic and had a sense of song to them -- such as
(1961's) 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. David was open to the concept (of
creating a tune-driven soundtrack). Then, just as a way of getting
myself out of 'soundtrack guy' mode and into 'songwriter guy' mode, I
began playing some melodies on the piano from some songs of mine.
(Russell) exclaimed, 'what's that?' I told him it was something of
mine that was never released. 'Can we play that to picture?', he
asked. Boom -- instantly, we were both totally happy; it gave the
film a sense of playfulness with an emotional undercurrent.

For the soundtrack, I used very intimate arrangements, not big
orchestrations. Bells ended up being prominent. There are a zillion
different types of bell sounds; glockenspiels, hand bells, hollies
and bells off the Mighty Wurlitzer organ. Using that instrument felt
special because it had actually been created for use in the movie
theaters but, of course, stopped being used after sound came along.
You can instantaneously make finished orchestra pieces! Other than
bells, (the score) is a mostly acoustic guitar and acoustic piano-
based soundtrack. There are also some brush drums and bass and old
chamberlain -- which is a weird instrument I play now and then.
Essentially, it is all very small, except for the Mighty Wurlitzer.

What was nice for me in working with David was that we tended to have
the same emotional response to certain tensions in the film. When I
saw tension in the film, I would write a song about it, and he would
immediately relate the song to the tension. This made me happy
because it meant each of us was thinking about the film in the same
abstract way. The fact that an entire score such as this would be
populated by unreleased songs sans lyrics via complete serendipity is
interesting.

People in the movie are trying to come to grips with the fact that
you have to accept things as they are. It was appropriate that the
music have a sweetness, openness and intimacy to it. Here we are,
having this sweet conversation about the raw deal that is being born -
- and embracing both things whole-heartedly. It worked out because
there was a sense of the question of how to be OK with just being a
creature in this universe, without merely becoming apathetic."

The horror, etc.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

"

Speaking of arty sex films.

From Drudge:

"FLASH: The current version of the PARAMOUNT film TEAM AMERICA is a guaranteed NC-17, with surprisingly graphic scenes of puppet sex... "

God bless Mr. Hoppe.

This is what I love about Tom: on his list of favorite websites, he includes a link to his Mom's company right next to a link to Qmov. I wasn't familiar with Qmov's work, but from the preview, it appears that it's quality. Allow me to reprint a (tame) pic from the website:



Do you see why I am amused by this?
(Man, that girl found a big icicle, huh? I wish I could have reprinted some of the other photos, but I don't know how Blogger feels about hardcore porno.)

(Oh and Tom-- my blog is your blog. Well, not really. But you know what I mean. Pillage what you want.)

Update on the por-- er, the "arty sex" film.

Oh John Cameron Mitchell, I sure hope this works out.

Weird science.

This is the dude from Weird Science. And you thought Anthony Michael Hall and Bill Paxton got old.



(Props to the Thigh Master.)

Wiener dog!

And you thought the carnal filth of the Zach Braff story was too much to bare... Peabs reports on some debauchery that would make Caligula (or, at the very least, J.B. Fletcher) blush. Read it for yourselves. (Just to prime the pump, Peabs' epic tale involves Heather Matarazzo, a large fishbowl, doody, watersports, Bill Cosby, and an alien fetish.)

Josh, just FYI.

Now that Josh is all smitten with the walking bag of douche known as Zach Braff, I would like to call his attention to a recent Craigslist posting that Defamer was good enough to point out.

I'm not so sure Josh will want to get knocked up after reading this shocking tale of carnal filth and betrayal.

Read on:

You showed up unexpectedly at the party, I have no idea who you knew that lived there. A friend ran up to tell me, knowing how much I admired your work and how wonderful I though the relationship you had with your girlfriend was. I went downstairs looking for the opportunity to tell you how much I enjoyed "Garden State", but what did I find... three locked doors.

Fifteen minutes later you emerged, disheveled and ashamed (and I believe high on something) with a little blond girl - the street walker looking type, who had been slinking around the party all night. I CAN'T BELIEVE you would be such a man-whore, he-bitch who would cheat on his girlfriend with SOMETHING so typical and slutty, after proclaiming how your film is so autobiographical. I guess that character was you back then, before you defected from the world of the arts and morals (not an oxymoron) and into the Hollywood slime pit.

Now I pity you. Good luck with your life - you'll need it.

Behold the beauty, part 2...

David O. Russell? Check.
Naomi Watts? Check.
New Jon Brion score/song? Check.

God it's been a great day for trailers.

I Heart Huckabees trailer.

KVB.

Along the lines of that whole "Kerry's a douch bag but I'm voting for him anyway."

Behold the beauty...

The trailer has arrived. And it doesn't disappoint. Fucking a, my friends. Fucking a.



The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: A Yahoo! Movies Exclusive

2 + 2 = 5

1) eXistenZ (dir: David Cronenberg).

Over the weekend I saw eXistenZ for, oh, the fourth or fifth time. I love it more after every viewing. Specifically, I love that he made a 90 minute philosophical treatise in the guise of a sci-fi thriller. And it's not just any sci-fi thriller, it's a Cronenberg sci fi thriller, meaning it's mordantly funny and filled with... well... horriffic pieces of organic gore. (Oh how I want a tooth-shooter made from mutant amphibian.) Easily the best Kierkegaardian virtual reality-themed thriller starring Jennifer Jason Leigh of the '90s.

2) "King's Crossing" by Elliott Smith (from from a basement on a hill).
Weary but with a sense of urgency, Elliott mustered enough energy to try and tell us just how fucked up of a place he was in. Like watching a supernova.

3) Badlands (dir: Terrence Malick).

What I find so interesting about Terry's work (we're old drinking pals, so I'm allowed to call him Terry) is the wispy, naturalism of them. He's content to let his actors float through beautifully composed tableaux, interrupting them only to cut in static shots of animals, nature, etc. It all seems so pretty (if shallow) and incidental. Suddenly you reach the end of the film and you realize that all along you've been meditating on some huge truth.

4) "Only Shallow" by Jon Brion (live at Largo, 8/13/04).
At my request, Mr. Brion perfectly recreated the cornerstone of My Bloody Valentine's Loveless. Building the track instrument by instrument, he nailed the walls of droning guitar, the drums, and the sweet vocals that drown in the mix. Example number 17,942 that the J-Brizz is certifiably a pop genius.

5) The brilliant camera work used in covering the Olympics.
It seems like every four years there are new, unreal advances in the way that we watch the Olympics. My favorite camera move is the on that they use in diving: the camera is on the board, facing the diver. It then follows the diver as he jumps, plunging with him to the bottom of the pool. F-ing sweet.

Funny or evil?

Being that I am totally amoral, I can't tell if I should be outraged or amused by Defamer constantly referring to Mary-Kate and Ashley's NYC pad as a "dorm/vomitorium." Any advice is greatly appreciated.

1 + 1 = 1.

Go read Tim's pean to SWF t&a. It was so going to be an entry in tomorrow's 2+2=5. Whatevs.

And while you're at it, enjoy a pic:

The dependable Chrissy Hitch.

Not to be outdone by Chirs Matthews, Mr. Hitchens describes Ms. Heinz Kerry as a "large-print version of Bianca Jagger."

Brilliant.

Don't vote?

When he's not recording uplifting pablum for the kids/VH1's Save the Music and f-ing Kelis, Nas is urging the kids not to vote. Why? Because "Bush and Kerry are faggot niggas." Oh Nas. What are we going to do with you?

(As reported by the always excellent Catchdubs.)

For the PL...

Since I know that he doesn't venture outside of our blogisphere, here's a link to a new Ted Leo mp3 for everyone's favorite crazy comedic racist.

Uh oh.

Let the games begin:
Six Degrees of Jon Brion.

2nd Quote of the Day.

"Thankz bizotch, but some of us don't need to suck cock to be famous. I just want to be famous for eating funnel cakes."

--The Thigh Master reacting to the following quote from Washintonienne: "I was only blogging for, what, less than two weeks? Some people with blogs are never going to get famous, and they've been doing it for, like, over a year. I feel bad for them."

Quote of the day.

"sometimes you have to find a place inside of you that lets you forgive. without forgiveness we will hold on to poisons that will eventually ruin our souls. these poisons build up and rot inside of our minds creating dark clouds that become harder and harder to remove. just recently i have learned to forgive in ways that i never thought possible. i'm not saying that there is no one on my life that i haven;t forgiven because i can think fo several that remain a disturbing aggravating memory in my everyday thoughts, but over all i have stepped up to a new level. when wes and i forgave each other for the negative things we were holding on to we both found ourselves closer than ever before, something i thought to never happen. and not just this particular person. i have forgiven many people who i swore i never would and i actually feel like a better person because of it. just a little food for thought that we have all tasted before."

--The Durst, from his blog. (I need to bookmark his shit... I had forgotten about the Durst's depth until Scott Stereogum pointed out this entry. Props to him.)

South Park & Mormons.

Have you seen the South Park/Mormon episode? Somehow I missed it and just caught it over the weekend. F-ing brilliant. (Confession: after reading Under the Banner of Heaven I developed a weird fascination with Mormons. Well, by weird fascination I mean that for weeks after reading said book, I would spontaneously begin ranting/recounting the history of Mormonism to my horrified/amused/shocked roommate.)

Even more brilliant: this little tidbit that Trey & Matt let slip during their interview with BYU school newspaper: "Stone mentioned he and Parker have been talking for years about bringing the story of Joseph Smith to life in a Broadway musical."

Please, Angel Moroni, please make this happen.

Did anyone else have one of these?

I found this online after reading about it on an mp3blog. I had completely forgotten about the joy that was the portable Fisher Price turntable.

This thing was the greatest. I used it mostly for stories on record (namely the short dramatizations of Return of the Jedi and E.T.), but was known to kick out the jams with early Tom Petty and the John Denver/Muppets Christmas album.



Ah. Monday morning nostalgia trips... Whatever gets me through the day/week...

"And by tribal soverignty..."

"...I mean that I like to eat little babies."

Quote of the day.

Ted (Jude Law): Free will is obviously not a big factor in this little world of ours.

Allegra (Jennifer Jason Leigh): It's like real life. There's just enough to make it interesting.

--From David Cronenberg's eXistenZ.

And Xtina will be covering some hot Bell Biv Devoe.

Britney Covers Bobby Brown's 'My Prerogative' For Forthcoming LP.

Ouch.

Jenna Jameson on Nic Cage: "[He smelled like] the distilled sweat of homeless people."

One more Defamer piece...

Defamer got its hands on an internal Miramax layoff memo. It's too good:

From: XX
Sent: Friday, August 13, 2004 1:04 PM
To: #MMX NY
Subject: Protest

Though I was begged to stay with the company despite the massive cutbacks and layoffs today, I have decided to stand my ground and resign from my post on behalf of all our fallen brothers and sisters. This will effectively be my last day at Miramax.

I'm just kidding, I was booted by some girl down on the 4th floor just like everyone else. I'm out, bitches.

-XX
Former Ass't to XX
2002-2004

The end of the Craig.

We'll miss the Craigers. Well, actually, we won't. The only thing of note that ever aired on Craig's show was the Opus Opus. Oh and when Opus interviewed some old woman off of Survivor. But that was about it.

(And speaking of Opus, go here to see a pic of him proposing marriage to Chunk. Yes, Chunk-- he of the truffle-shuffle.)

Anyway, dig on Defamer's reaction to the news of the Kilborn's demise:

Craig Kilborn Quits Late Late Show
We didn't see this coming: Craig Kilborn has quit The Late Late Show. leaving CBS with a gaping void in its Smarmy Conversations With B-listers department. Kilborn's semi-ironic smoking jacket and greasy come-ons won't be easily replaced, but we imagine there's a USC frat guy riding the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch who can step in while CBS begins its own heavy-handed overtures (i.e., gigantic bags of Viacom cash) to Conan O'Brien.

It always comes back to Judas.

Salon gives us a brief history of Friday the 13th.

Have you bookmarked this shit yet?

I hope you all are visiting the Peabs daily.
If not... a pox on your house.
Worse yet, that means you missed today's epic tale of woe, wherein our hero channels his inner-William Tell/Peter North, "hyperkinetically" waxes his GZA, and manages to shoot an apple off Diane Sawyer's head.

Go check it. You'll thank me. Obvs (in '04).

People are sick... I love it.

Wow. Chloroform play is totally the new Applebee's fetish.

A. Dick and his doll parts.

This is so the best (from Gawker/Page Six):

Andy Dick Is the New Courtney Love And the New Tara Reid:

Now that Courtney Love has been banished to quitters-ville, it's Andy Dick's time to shine. Not only did he go batshit insane at nightclub Suede, bursting into tears over the death of his “best friend” Rick James, but he also called N’Sync member Joey Fatone “the fat one” and threw $100 at the dishwasher. Reportedly he was begging for coke and tried to stick his tongue down the throat of former actor Seth Green.

Our verdict: this rules. Rules rules rules. We'll totally buy Andy half a gram and let him make out with us.

Epic as hell.

Ho ho... puns.
Seriously, check out this account of the insanity surrounding the dueling Exorcist prequels.

Das Whine Farbige Meer.

I know all you sluts want to put your German to use... so go ahead and do it. Get your fill of Gedanken, Meinungen, musings und Bündel anderer Scheiße, das Sie vermutlich sich nicht für interessieren.

(Hat tip to the Thigh Master.)

Let them eat (exquisitely art directed) cake.

Sofia Coppola to direct Marie-Antoinette for Columbia Pictures

Morgan pointed this one out to me. It seems like a great idea... but there's something a little (in Mo's words) "Ishtar circa 1790" about the whole thing.

I think it could work (La Dunst in the lead, Sofia shooting Versailles), but then again it could... well, with Schwartzman as Louis XVI... you get the picture.

Orgasms at 300 RPM.

Josh's favorite website gets some play over at the 'Bot.

This will make Tim happy...

From a Swedish article reprinted on a DVD website:
CRITERION RELEASES FANNY & ALEXANDER

Renowned distributor Criterion will release a lavish Fanny and Alexander DVD this fall with newly produced bonus features.

[snip]

A couple of years ago Criterion acquired the American rights to Fanny and Alexander, which after twenty years was given a new premiere at the Film Forum cinema in New York in May this year. Criterion is now preparing a DVD release of the film which will contain the theatrical version as well as the TV version and Dokument Fanny och Alexander plus so-called bonus features in the form of interviews. Johanna Schiller, DVD producer at Criterion, was in Sweden during the fall last year and conducted interviews with Erland Josephson and Jörn Donner, among others. Early July she was back to interview Anna Asp, Katinka Faragó, Ewa Fröling and Pernilla August.

(For more info, click here.)

Oh and in other Criterion news, it appears that they're continuing their Altman binge and are at work on Short Cuts. Huzzah to that.

Ha, part II.

This letter is making the email rounds. I normally hate them damn forwards (don't we all), but this one amused me.

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it crates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his life by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

Homer J. Simpson

Ha.

Dave Queen of the [Twin Cities] City Pages: "Personal memo to the band who did 'Enter Sandman' in a backwoods tavern last week: Fire the harmonica player and tell the singer to stop sounding like Wayne Coyne when doing Metallica covers. Actually, forget that. Add a fuckin' string quartet if you want, or even a whole orchestra! Who'd ever think of something so ridiculous? Apparently, Apocalyptica did--it was in the Neil LaBute film Your Friends and Neighbors, which, incidentally, was the second worst date film of all time. And if you laugh at me for being stupid enough to know this, imagine how you'll feel when I admit that I took the same date to Nil by Mouth the following week!"

(Link from the Matos.)

+ 1 more is 6.

Fuck!
How could I forget to give a shout out to the first 30 minutes of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle?
Don't get me wrong, I loved the whole movie. I thought it should have been trimmed, a few scenes filed away to Deletedscenesville, etc. But those first 30 or so minutes were inspired.
Run to see that shit before it's out of the theater.

2 + 2 = 5

1. "Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliott Smith
   
   After this morning's Elliott Smith tussle, I went back and listened to "Pretty (Ugly Before)" during my lunch break. I stand by what I said: it's one of Elliott's best. The songwriting is spot-on-- an instantly hummable melody, lyrics that are sincerely optimistic but not cloying. The production is a marvel too: the Ringo drum fills, the backing harmonies, the piano accents, the backwards-guitar outro. It's the sound of an artist at the top of his game.
   
   
2. Collateral (directed by Michael Mann)
   As expected, Michael Mann delivered an ace thriller that is impeccably crafted. Sure it wobbles a bit (especially in the incoherent sequence at Fever), but the stellar performances and Mann's eye for detail make up for it. The best summer movie I've seen.
   
   
3. Drunken iTunes Music Store Mix Making
   The rules go like this: get tanked. Agree on a set number of songs that each person is going to buy (in this case it was five). Drink some more. Go online and begin selecting/downloading. When each person is finished, combine the newly purchased songs onto one playlist. Shuffle. Play.
   Trust me, that shit is fun.
   The inaugural playlist:
   1. "Home Alone Main Titles" - John Williams
   2. "California Stars" - Billy Bragg & Wilco
   3. "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Japanese Version)" - The Flaming Lips
   4. "Blue Moon" - Cowboy Junkies
   5. "Do Nothing 'Till You Hear From Me" - Carmen McRae and Cal Tjander
   6. "Pitter Patter Goes My Heart" - Broken Social Scene
   7. "In Between Days" - Ben Folds
   8. "Tracy" - Mogwai
   9. "Love My Way" - Psychedelic Furs
   10. "Dice" - Finley Quay
   
   
4. The drunken 6 hour film conversation I had with Tim & Morgan on 8/8/04
   My friend Morgan called me on Sunday night to say that he needed some time away from the guests he was hosting at his apartment. He came over to hang out for a little bit and to watch a movie. Four beers, three shots of Cuervo and six hours later, Morgan, Tim and I hadn't gotten around to watching a movie, but we had managed to discuss (among others): Collateral, The Insider, Heat, The Passion of Mel Gibson (and I think I convinced Morgan that it is, indeed, a Jew-hating movie), Braveheart, Koyanisqatsi, The English Patient, The Outsiders, Rumble Fish, The Godfather I & II, The Conversation, Apocalypse Now, Tucker, Peggy Sue Got Married, The Cotton Club, Gardens of Stone, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Jack, The Rainmaker, Good Will Hunting, CQ, The Virgin Suicides, F9/11, 8 1/2, Amarcord, La Dolce Vita, Small Change, Band of Outsiders, The 400 Blows, Stolen Kisses, Atoine & Colette, Pulp Fiction, Kevin Smith's sucky oeuvre, Ed Burns' sucky oeuvre, Mystic River, Ishtar, The Royal Tenenbaums, A.I., Catch Me If You Can, The Terminal, Jurassic Park, and Dogville. Those are the ones I can remember. It was epic... like those all night conversations you had in college.
   
   
5. The crazy woman in Stars & Stripes on Beverly Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
   I go to lunch almost every day on Beverly Drive. It's in the heart of Beverly Hills, right around the corner from where I work. And almost every day I see this crazy middle-aged woman power-walking up and down the street. She is always dressed in the same red spandex shorts, star spangled sports bra, American flag cap and gas station sun-glasses. Based on her accent, methinks she's Polish. And as she's power walking up the street, she stops for every guy and flirts with him. Her line goes something like this: "Hey baby, you're cute. What nationality are you? Really? I love guys from ______." Then she keeps walking. I see her do this every day. And no one ever gives her shit or yells at her. After seeing this for nigh on eight months, I decided I needed to give her a shout out. So there it is.

Savage PSA.

Dan Savage gets his dirrrt on:

Hey, Partnership for a Drug-Free America: If you want to get the attention of young adults, a short film about seven college-age kids who take Ecstasy and wind up in a heap fucking each other in every possible position and gender combination—straight guys doing straight guys, straight girls doing straight girls—would be a lot more effective than that awful one about how pot causes date rape. Suggested cast for "Mistakes Were Made": Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne [as the girl who pressures everyone into trying Ecstasy], Aaron Carter, Tom Welling, and pro-snowboarder/skateboarder Sean White. If you need help scripting this epic, you have my e-mail address.

Quote whore.

I know that Joel Siegel eats sac when it comes to film crit, but his nonsensical blurb for The Bourne Supremacy is a new low:

"On a scale of 007, it gets a 10!"

Ace work, Timbo.

Wonkette totally fell for Tim's ploy to get some attention (and butt love).

Morning roundup.

• Bret Easton Ellis' first script got optioned. It's an adaptation of a novel by some other dude about an Ivy League grad toiling away at a publishing house, fucking up his relationship with his girlf. Uh huh. Right. OK, Bret, just focus on writing your own shit. I'd like to read another one of your books before I die.
  
  
• The Polyphonic Spree's drummer landed on the FBI's ten most wanted list for, like, an hour last Thursday. When I saw the headline, I was hoping it would turn out that it was for something real, but it was all one big misunderstanding (y'know, the old "we mistook a microphone in his carry-on for a bomb" scenario). He did provide this amusing quote: "I don't want to over-dramatize the situation but there were two or three minutes when I thought I was going to be in Guantanamo Bay with the Abu Ghraib people holding a thumbs up while pointing to my penis. I wasn't really scared about Guantanamo, I just didn't want people to see my penis. I'm a very private person."
  
  
• It's the Willenium, we're just living in it:
  The star of Bad Boys II and Wild Wild West had this to say: “Of course I could be president if I wanted to. But being president isn’t the kind of job you’d want to have with the way things are today.”
  (Link via La Wonk.)
  
  
• Josh is still on vacation. Lame.
  
  
• PL hates on the new Elliott track. Gee, didn't see that one coming.
  
  And to close:
  
• A moment of zen from the always quotable Peabs:
  As fun as it was to dip my nutsack into the mouths of parentless Somalians, I knew that Peabs never wanted to relive such a moment. Why, you may ask? Because it was so fucking tigs the first time. How could it possibly be any better? It's kind of like doing your first line of blizz; every line afterwards will never compare.  
  

I told you it was gonna get fun.

Keyes: Obama holds 'slaveholder's' view.

You only live a day / but it's brilliant anyway.

Shhh: Stereogum has a track from a basement on the hill.

Evil (but funny).

Is it bad that I laughed at that question?

The Minor Fall, The Major Lift: WE FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT MADE US FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LAUGHING AT IT

Whoa.

Warner is putting together a mega 10-disc special edition of The Matrix Trilogy. Yeah, overkill and at this point who really gives an f. That said, the most interesting feature: film crix David Thomson, Todd McCarthy and John Power get a commentary track to themselves to discuss why the movies suck ass. That shit is impressive.

Finally!

A shard of info on P.T. Anderson's next project: Senate honcho Burton feeling the pull of Hollywood.

(Link via Cigarettes & Coffee.)

Go away.

Woody Allen in The Guardian:: "In the United States things have changed a lot, and it's hard to make good small films now."

That's right Woody. It must be awfully hard to make a good small film in the US right now considering that you are a washed up, uninspired, cranky old fuck. Jesus, what is this self-pitying Norma Desmond shit? Shut the fuck up and go play house with your wife/daughter.

(Sorry for the juvenile rant, but nothing bothers me more than Woody's increasingly pathetic pity-parties.)

Obvs In '04.

I uncovered this illuminating interview betwixt O'Reilly and the Peabs. Dig:

O'REILLY: With us now is democratic Presidential candidate Peabs, a representative from Michigan, and the author of the blog So Sayeth The Peabs.
All right, now, you want anybody in America to take any substance and be left alone.
PEABS: Schmobvs. Contrary to popular belief, drugs are effing best. Shmears, Bill.
O'REILLY: Heroin, cocaine.
PEABS: Duh.
O'REILLY: But, darling, how do you know they're not violating other people's rights?
PEABS: Well, say, for examps, Peabs gets behind the wheel while effed out of his mizz. Whether I happen to be intoxicated on alcohol or on marijuana or on heroin, Peabs shouldn’t be penalized one fucking iota. Obvs.


For more reading here's an interview Peabs did with the Lou Dobbs. (Sample exchange: LD: What would you say to those that claim genital size and curvature is unimportant to the electorate, and that your attacks on John Kerry relating to said are the worst kind of negative campaigning and mudslinging?
Peabs: Peabs only speaks truths, Lou. Obvs, if you've got a small D, I'm gonna attack you. I don't feel this is "mudslinging," per se, just brutal honesty from a man who happens to be blessed down below. Bovs.)

Quote of the day.

"My quim smells like dim sum."

--T. Aaron.

A word of advice:

Don't waste your money on Open Water. Everything about it is so painfully amateur that it's embarassing. The concept is undeniably creepy and promising (scuba-diving couple stranded in shark-infested water) but the leaps of logic and the pathetic writing/acting are just unbearable.

The whole way through I was wishing that rather than releasing this version of the film, Lions Gate would have wised up and shelved the movie, found a talented writer/director to craft a smart script based on the concept, hire a d.p., and populate the remake with people who can act. Instead, Lions Gate went the cheap route and cut really great trailers, crafted a smart ad campaign, and tricked a lot of people into seeing a crappy movie. Bravo, LGF, you're becoming marketing masters. Too bad the film is shite.

Over the line!

David Edelstein on the cult that is Lebowski: "The Coens turned down requests to be interviewed about the cult of 'The Big Lebowski,' which is frankly infuriating: I did not watch my buddies die facedown in the muck to be blown off by too-cool, insular, press-shunning elitists. "

About Manohla's Collateral review...

...she doesn't disappoint. I love that she takes this away from the film: "The film is about a lot of different things, about how Los Angeles lights up at night, how cars become prostheses of ourselves and how driving with the radio on can be bliss."

I'll write about my take on Collateral later, but needless to say, Mr. Mann didn't disappoint. Go see it.

Quote of the day.

"You need to know the truth, and sometimes the truth is a bitch, and the bitch hurts."

--Michael Jackson (as played by Flex Alexander) in VH1's biopic The Man in the Mirror, as quoted by Dana Stevens at Slate.

Reason #804,244 why I love the Wonk.

She published Josh's Goreku (and called him a pussy).

Reason #804,243 why I love the Wonk.

I read this shit and my heart goes pitter-pat. Wonkette on Bush at the Unity Conference:

Yet, as usual, Bush did have moments of true lyricism:

We actually misnamed the War on Terror. It ought to be the Struggle Against Ideological Extremists Who Do Not Believe in Free Societies Who Happen to Use Terror as a Weapon To Try To Shape The Conscience Of The Free World.

We're sure that focus grouped well. In fact, we hear that the only reason they didn't go with it was that Toby Keith was having trouble making it scan. No, really: It's one thing to "misspeak," which everyone does, it's another thing to be so drenched in flop sweat that you start channeling David Foster Wallace, which usually only Dave Eggers does.

Jessie Spano as an eel / Ebs love him.

The Independent memorializes Showgirls:

Everyone tells Nomi what a great dancer she is, but when she gets on the floor she looks like an electric eel suffering terminal seizures. In her opening stripper number, she wiggles her tongue and methodically licks a long section of the stage pole (sexy!). Later, in an indelible pair of intimate encounters with Kyle MacLachlan -- his haircut, flopping over his left eye, is a career-killer unto itself – she flips back and thrashes her upper body in a way so graceless, and so alarming, one wonders whether she or Verhoeven or anyone else connected to the production had ever actually had sex. ("Insulin!" Schmader pleads on the voice track. "Someone give that woman insulin!")

An electric eel suffering terminal seizures? Ebs doth take umbrage with said statement:

Other moments are fun because of glitz. The big stage show, with its star entrance from an exploding volcano, seems inspired by actual Vegas productions. All of the women are terrific dancers.

Oh Ebs. And speaking of Ebs defending the indefensible, check out his tortured justification for liking She Hate Me. It goes like this: the movie might appear racist, sexist and homophobic... but it's not. By appearing to be racist, sexist and homophobic the movie is subverting those very elements. Or something.
(Also of note in the review, Ebs compiles his list of important current directors that "dance to their own music":
Spike Lee is a filmmaker on a short list with directors like Herzog, Sayles, Jarmusch, Altman, Paul Thomas Anderson, Todd Solondz and the new kid, David Gordon Green.)

Ye Final Cut.

My friend Omar's movie drops Sept. 24.
Bring it.

Not so sure about that clarity part...

Er, yeah Scott-- the pres. has got that whole conviction thing down, but not so much the clarity.

Bush misspeaks, says his administration seeking 'new ways to harm our country'

The Thigh weighs in.

Josh posted his thoughts on Confession of a Drama Queen earlier this week ("This was honestly one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen."). Here's what the Thigh Master thought:

"Don't get me wrong folks, this Lohan-Disney-cheese-a-thon is great spanking material, but it's probably one of the wurstestest movies I have seen all year. Not even a collaboration between C Thomas Howell, F Murray Abraham, and M Night Shyamalan could be this awfulistically. If only Her Royal Thighness outputted a few more stinkers like these instead of hitting it big like her rack, she'd be in Playboy 7 times over by now."

Sweet!

Let me just say what a pleasant surprise it was to go to the NYT's review of Collateral and find a Manohla Dargis byline.
Of course, I'm refusing to read the review until I see the movie... but it makes me happy nonetheless.

Mr. Peabs is the new hotness.

Hello dear readers.
Please meet Mr. Peabs. He is the raddest. The little magician of Kinderhook introduced me to the Peabs and my life is richer for it.
Why you ask?
For shit like this:
"Currently, I am on a flight back to Detroit. The next few days should be absolute madness; I plan to do countless interviews with the media, ass-fuck at least anywhere between four and one thousand and forty call girls, and blow rails with Dr. Bill Cosby. Aren't you excited, Coz?"

And he likes to write about f-ing nuns on crystal meth.
And he writes in the vernacular of the esteemed Uncle G. For all I know Peabs is Uncle G. But whatev to that.
Oh and he's very modest:
"You could make a milkshake out of Jude Law and Brad Pitt's jazz, insert it into Gisele's vaggie vag, and the result would still be maybe a quarter as pretty as my right cheekbone."

See? Peabs = rad.
Go visit and bookmark that shit.

The Finke on IMDB.

Niki Finke's got a nice piece on the history of the IMDB.

Amusing.

Wonkette is looking for interns. Part of the application process is writing a haiku about Al Gore. La Wonk has posted some of the results, this one is my favorite:

Long dark hard mystery
Tennessee Man
Open your "lock box" for me --C.J.

Wiley's got the scoop.

I've pointed out the importance of an upcoming election. Mr. Wiggins points out another.

Speaking of abortomatic re-imaginings...

...I can't wait to watch the Obama kick the shit out of Alan Keyes. Thank you, God. You clearly have a sense of humor. (This is waaaaay better than that whole Ditka thing.)

Correction.

I would just like to take this moment and discredit a current ad campaign. Nope, nothing about that new bullshit ad with the anti-Kerry Viet vets. No, I'm talkin' 'bout The Manchurian Candidate (2004) (aka The Wesley Clark Story). Paramount is currently running TV ads touting it as "the year's most critically acclaimed film."

According to the good tally-whackers over at Metacritic, the doucheriffic remake is currently the 15th most acclaimed film currently in general release (and that's not even including the films that have come out earlier in the year).

Over at Rotten Tomatoes they do have stats on all the films released in '04 and Demme's abortomatic re-imagining weighs in as the 59th most acclaimed film of the year.

So that's a big f off to Ms. Lansing and her spin crew. The Whine Colored Sea won't stand for that spin.

And that is my nerded out film-dork rant. Thank you.

It's the truth, Ruth.

From Salon.com:

There are two fascinating leaks from upcoming albums floating around the Internet. First, there's the title track to Fiona Apple's long-awaited "Extraordinary Machine," which Sony has reportedly shelved, saying that there's no single. The song, an odd, swingy little ditty with pseudo-classical orchestration, sounds great. It was produced by Jon Brion and, like most of his productions, it sounds obsessively worked over with nearly scientific precision. Perhaps Sony will continue in its refusal to release the record and Apple can pull a Wilco, buying back her masters and releasing them on Nonesuch to unanimous acclaim and plaudits over her artistic integrity -- until the backlash starts two years later. Won't that be fun?

Can't accuse her of having no taste.

This is a little old, but I still felt compelled to through this one out there... Clearly Shar is a cinéaste of the highest order:

Britney Spears' soon-to-be stepson is named Michael Jackson — kind of. Shar Jackson revealed to Us Weekly that she named her baby boy (fathered by Spears' fiancé, Kevin Federline) Kaleb Michael Jackson after Paul Walker's character in the movie "The Skulls," while the middle name is after Federline's father. "Yeah, it's funny that 'Michael Jackson' is in there, but his name is Kaleb Michael," she told the magazine. Jackson said that Federline arrived after her nearly eight-hour labor and delivery was over, and since then, they've been talking almost every day.

Courtesy of MTV.com.

You must remember this...

El Presidente de Fagistan,

Thank you for introducing me to the pure rawk that is Mini-Kiss. My life is now complete.

Best,

Ben

This is too entertaining.

Type some lyrics into the box provided and an all-star band of singers will sing that shit for you. It's not perfect (for instance, the database couldn't process such words as "slut" and "pink"), but it's enough fun that it'll make up for the fact that Josh's Mom canceled this week's fish stick night.

(Hat tip to the Thigh Master.)

2 + 2 = 5

1) Fellini's 8 1/2

Don't ask me how I made it through film school and 20-odd years as an avid film watcher and had never seen 8 1/2. I don't get it. But this past Sunday I finally saw it and... well, it didn't disappoint. At all. I think the biggest (and pleasant surprise) was Fellini's perverse glee in blurring the line between reality and imagination and the past and the imagined past. And that opening--Guido stuck in traffic, then floating away like a kite--was literally jaw-dropping.

2) Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts by M83.
Mute just released a domestic version of this much-hyped record and I'm totally consumed by it. These Frenchies make huge, expansive pieces of gorgeous music that sound like an amalgam of My Bloody Valentine, Brian Eno, Sigur Ros, Kraftwerk and Walter Murch's sound design for THX-1138. Easily the best album I've heard all year.

3) Robyn Hitchcock in The Manchurian Candidate (2004).
I know I've already blogged about Robyn's role, but I felt like giving the guy props again. Were it not for this weirdo, I probably would have slept through the film.

4) The Team America trailer.
Bring it.

5) The "some people say" montage in Outfoxed.
I found most of Outfoxed pretty redundant (Fox News is right wing? Really? Rupert Murdoch is trippin'? For real?) and kind of shoddy (director Robert Greenwald must have been editing this shit on his Apple IIe), but things really get cooking when the doc brings up Fox News' penchant for throwing in "some people say" into newscasts. It goes like this: Brit Hume wants us all to know that he thinks John Kerry is a flaming French douche bag. But he can't just say that. So he throws the vague qualifier "some people say" into the mix. For example: "That's interesting, Ms. Dowd. But some people say that John Kerry only eats brie cheese and pisses sitting down. Care to comment?" Greenwald finds dozens of these "some people say" moments and strings them together back to back to back. It's simultaneously really sad, funny, and scary.

Cringe.

Yeah... man... I'm cool... man.

"But I like hip-hop. I'm hopping all the time, man."
--Bill O'Reilly (from an MTV News interview with P. Diddy)

Are you for serious?

I know it comes in the middle of the pres.' comedic routine, but did Jesus really get voted one of the top 5 most popular Americans in History?

Does it make me sad and pathetic...

...that I'm hella psyched to see my little blog got a shout out from the esteemed Uncle G.? What's that? It is sad and pathetic to get all emotional over a blog? In the words of a wise-man: "Whatever, I'll do what I want."

Zen of Ziering.

The curse of The Ziering

Damnation.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test